If no one ever marries me
by Bookjunk
Summary: One-shot. Set after season 2 finale. Follows Rachel and Finn's relationship until Rachel turns thirty.


**If no one ever marries me**

2012-2013

It had gone as Rachel had expected, but not as Rachel had hoped. They had graduated and gone their own way. Rachel to New York, Finn staying in Lima. She had followed her dream; or at least one of them, because being with Finn that senior year had been like a dream too. Wonderful, but unreal at the same time, probably because she knew it couldn't last. In the end she had chosen music, but it had never been an easy decision. Rachel couldn't imagine ever making a harder one, but it was something she had to do. She couldn't stay and grow to resent Finn. She wanted to continue loving him, even if she was not with him. Finn would have been miserable in New York; she would have wasted away in Lima. She never asked him to come with her and he never asked her to stay. They both knew it was better that way. But somewhere deep inside she wished he had asked her. Somewhere deep inside she wished she could have stayed.

Love; it was all so hard and hurt so much. Even in New York, loving every minute of it, there was a sort of feeling in the pit of her stomach that was hard to ignore. It nagged at her sometimes late at night, telling her she had made a mistake. Life in New York, without Finn, was heaven and hell. It was a compromise she couldn't live with, but she had to. In the beginning he would visit, but Rachel would always leave after a few minutes, leaving him with Kurt and Blaine. They didn't talk about that either; she could see in Finn's eyes that he understood.

(***)

2014-2023.

On her twentieth birthday Finn took her to the opening night of the revival of _Funny Girl_ on Broadway. He had bought the tickets with the money he had earned from doing freelance roofing. He brought her flowers as if she was the star of the show. Meanwhile, some blonde, usually vaguely reminiscent of Quinn, would stand by his side, smiling inanely. That was what Rachel saw anyway. He never brought his girlfriends when he came to see her or Kurt. 2014 was the last year she shared an apartment with Kurt and that was the last time she saw Finn in the flesh. Afterwards she would occasionally watch the Lima local channel on the internet. Since Finn had started his own business as an independent roofer he had television commercials and she would devour them, him, while maintaining to Kurt that she watched to know whether _Sue's Corner_ was still its same insensitive self. It was.

After Blaine moved in with Kurt and she moved out, Finn and she had started to phone each other once a week. They would talk and she could hear in his voice that he was smiling and suddenly she would have to blink away tears. Those phone calls were awesome and awful, because she enjoyed them, but they took a toll on her too. They hardly ever talked about what had been. During those conversations she thought that if someone was listening that person would never know they had dated. There was nothing in their words or their voices that betrayed what they felt for each other. The listener would just think we are good friends, Rachel thought.

They freely discussed each other's boyfriends and girlfriends. It was almost casual. Rachel could imagine that she didn't hurt. That Finn was just reading the comics in the paper while she told him about Aaron, who lasted about a year. That she scrutinised her nails as he told her about Kristen; they only had a relationship shelf life of three months. There were a lot more girlfriends than there were boyfriends, because Rachel was focusing on her singing career. A few weeks after Finn had taken her to see _Funny Girl_ the lead performer was fired and Rachel had scored the lead role in the show. Finn couldn't make it out to see her. He told her he now had steady employees for his roofer business and she was proud of him. Later she was asked to reprise her role of Fannie Brice in _Funny Lady_ and he called to congratulate her, but couldn't come to watch her, because his business was booming.

Music played such an important part in her life, in all their lives. She was now almost a Broadway veteran. Nearly ten years on the boards and she still felt that tingle of excitement before she got on stage. Kurt had become a choreographer and he was much in demand. He was loved as much as he was hated by dancers, because of his tough attitude. Blaine was a music teacher at a New York college and in weekends he performed in bars. He had invited her a couple of times and he was jazzy and soulful and very good. He and Kurt were still going strong. Finn was the drummer in an amateur band; he had replaced the former drummer after a spat. On the phone they joked about how it was good that he had to sit down to drum, so at least he wouldn't have to dance.

(***)

December 18, 2024. Afternoon.

They discussed seeing each other, but nothing ever came of it. Finn would have another job that couldn't wait; Rachel would have another show to rehearse for. Somehow years passed. And then there was the big 3-0. Much to Rachel's chagrin she discovered she had nearly bought into the myth of becoming thirty. She felt less desirable and she usually only felt so-so on a good day. It was as if something invisible dictated that her life was over. Soon she would be old and out of work and she would have no husband or children. She wasn't sure how she felt about the children-part, but she would like someone to share her life with.

'Finn,' she mumbled and then looked around to see whether anyone had heard her. Luckily, the park was crowded and no one paid any attention to her. Ashamed of her mini-breakdown, she got up from the bench and started walking. According to commercials, for either all sorts of crèmes or plastic surgery, both promising youthful skin, she was late. Too late to find a husband. All men her age wanted younger women, apparently. So what if no one ever marries me, she thought defiantly, I'll live. She had managed for so long without a man; it was simply ridiculous to suddenly start needing one now. Except, she didn't need just any man of course. For all those years, almost thirteen now, she only ever needed and wanted one man.

Not looking where she was going she bumped into a man. They simultaneously apologised and smiled at each other. As he walked away he looked over his shoulder at her and he seemed to recognise her, but have trouble placing her. This happened frequently. Rachel was pleased to discover that stardom differed from how she had pictured it as a teenager. It was not all fancy parties, expensive and uncomfortable dresses and gushing fans. Only a small part of her life involved those three things and that was fine. It was much more enjoyable to be in the spotlight if the spotlight was not on all the time. Mostly, people thought she looked familiar, but were unable to recall exactly where they had seen her before.

She had turned thirty that day and she didn't have any big plans. In the afternoon she had lunched with her fathers and that had been fun. That evening Kurt and Blaine were going to come over, but she had an inkling of a feeling that Kurt was planning some extravagant party. Despite her control freak tendencies she was prepared to be surprised. Over the years she had mellowed. Perhaps it came from mostly having gotten what she wanted, but she was no longer the annoying, ambitious diva she had once been. It was only a part of her personality now, instead of making up her entire being. She had managed, irony of ironies, to control her control issues. Life was less hard and much more enjoyable now that she was no longer fighting everyone every waking moment. The fact that she knew she was ultimately in control of her life made it easier to accept that roles got away and that not everything went according to plan.

However, it was a great deal more difficult to accept that whatever happened to Finn was beyond her reach. About two months ago when Finn had turned thirty she had wanted to go to Lima, but Finn had told her she needn't come. As the reason he had cited her commitment to a new production of _Rent_ and how she was always mortally afraid her understudy would steal her role if given half a chance. Finn thought she was being silly, yet he had urged her not to change her plans or jeopardise her career on his account. So, instead of going and delivering his presents in person – and seeing him, actually seeing him for the first time in ten years! – she had sent him the drumsticks. Kurt had mentioned Finn desperately needed new ones, so she had included a new pair with the drumsticks autographed by Alex van Halen that she had found on eBay.

Finn had called her that same evening to thank her. In the background she had heard laughter and loud music. They had concluded their call quickly, since Finn could hardly hear her. As she had looked around her empty apartment, she had wondered about that decision she had made a long time ago. And now, entering her apartment on her own birthday, she contemplated the decision again. The difference from countless other times when she had thought about it was that now it was neither a knee jerk reaction to thinking of or longing for Finn, neither was it a reaction to what was supposedly a milestone: turning thirty. Neither her empty apartment nor her thoughts about the future nor that feeling of loneliness creeping up on her sometimes late at night had inspired the trip down memory lane. This time she was thinking about their decision to break up rationally, almost objectively.

What if they were like that stupid couple from _Going the Distance_, which she had rented with Kurt and Blaine and which they had mocked mercilessly for its lame ending? Basically, two people were trying to have a relationship, but they lived in two different cities. Then they broke up, because it was too difficult, but in the end the man moved to the city where the woman lived and they lived happily ever after. Finn and Rachel hadn't even tried to have a long distance relationship. From the beginning the choice had been to either break up or for one to sacrifice whatever else they wanted for love. What if... Rachel didn't even want to ask the question, but she forced herself to, nonetheless. What if the decision hadn't been necessary? What if they could have had both?

That would mean they had wasted thirteen years; and that they were idiots. The worst thing was that it could now really be too late. Not because she was thirty and according to society an old, wrinkled mess, but because Finn might not love her anymore. He hadn't even wanted her to come to his birthday. Maybe one day soon she would receive the dreaded phone call. Finn would be happy and he would tell her he met a woman. She imagined she would know immediately. The manner in which he said it would give him away. It would be _the_ woman. The woman he would marry.

It was a strange sensation that she experienced next. The thought of Finn marrying someone else did not depress her or deflate her, it made her angry. Angry at Finn for marrying anyone but her, but mostly angry at herself. It was not like her to sit and wait and wish. Freshly energised, she rose from the couch and marched over to the door, grabbing her coat on the way out.

December 18, 2024. Evening.

Shortly after running her errands, she took a call from Kurt. The previous day he had, none to subtly, asked for her spare key. She couldn't even remember the insane reason he had given, but she had readily handed over the key. Now he was calling to see when she would arrive home and when she told him she was just entering the building all hell seemed to break loose on the other end of the line. After a minute of excited and panicked shrieks and sharp commands and what she could have sworn had been a drum roll, Kurt came back on again.

'Well, sorry about that. Blaine is being difficult again. You know how he is. Anyway, happy birthday! I'm sorry, but we can't make it tonight. Unforeseen circumstances; I'm sure you understand. Bye.'

Bemused, Rachel tucked the phone into her bag. Kurt was by no means an accomplished liar, but she had expected better from him than, 'Blaine is being difficult again. You know how he is.' Blaine was the most easygoing person she knew. Now if Blaine had said that about Kurt; _that_ she would have believed. In the elevator she tried to straighten her hair a little bit, but she was largely unsuccessful. Outside it had been cold and windy. New York winters were no fun. At least she looked presentable, since she had anticipated such an occasion.

As she stood by the door of her apartment fumbling with her keys, she realised what she wanted to do was turn around and walk away. She would take the first flight to Lima and visit Finn. But she couldn't bring herself to do that. Kurt had probably slaved on this party for weeks, if not months, and heaven only knows what he had put Blaine through in the process. Behind the door she could hear people whispering and shushing each other. Wiping the smile from her face and replacing it with a somewhat blank expression, she finally opened the door.

An ear splitting chorus welcomed her a split second before the lights came on. The noise was so overwhelming and the lights were so bright that she suffered some sort of sensory overload and couldn't see anything for a moment. As she stood there, rapidly blinking, she noticed how none of the voices singing happy birthday were off key. That was rather unusual for a birthday party. In her experience there was always one guest who couldn't keep a tune if his or her life depended on it.

Then she started to recognise people and she didn't even have to fake her surprise. Kurt and Blaine were there, of course, but also Mercedes and Tina. Quinn, looking very pregnant and happy. Mike, Sam, and Puck. Santana and Brittany were holding hands. Rachel never would have thought they would be one of the glee couples to make it. Artie and Lauren. Mr. Schue and Mrs... No, Will and Emma. Rachel was a grown up too now, so she couldn't go on calling them Mr and Mrs Schuester. They had married the year Rachel had graduated.

Apparently, Rachel had indeed heard a drum roll, because the couch had been moved to make room for a drum kit and Finn was standing before it, smiling at her. She felt her heart skip a beat. This meant she could put her plan into action immediately. Honestly, she had to; otherwise she would most likely lose her nerve. First, ascertain whether Finn still loved her, so she wouldn't make a complete fool of herself later, and she would go from there.

Her apartment was gloriously decorated. 'Glamour chic,' Blaine whispered in her ear. Undoubtedly, that was Kurt's term, but he was too busy pointing people towards the drinks and accepting gifts on her behalf to tell her. Gold stars were dangling from the ceiling and plastered to the walls. A silver disco star was projecting a million specks of lights on the furniture and the guests, as it slowly swivelled round. The drinks had ice cubes in the form of little stars. Even Rachel thought Kurt had taken the star theme a little bit too far, but she had to admit that everything looked great. Some vintage Lady Gaga was playing in the background.

The former glee club members were congratulating her one by one and what was remarkable was that no one had really changed. Artie had replaced his glasses by contacts, which earned him grief from Lauren, who sported what looked like the exact same glasses she had worn in school. Quinn was different, obviously, because she was pregnant, but Rachel could imagine her reverting to that petite girl again once the baby was born. People looked older, some a bit thinner, others had put on some weight, the hair and clothing styles were different, but their appearances were in essence the same. Rachel had no idea whether this was some rose-coloured glasses influence, but while the others had aged, Finn looked exactly the same as he had done at seventeen. His arms were more muscular, but his smile had retained its familiar boyish charm.

'Hi,' she said.

'Hi. Congratulations,' he answered and before she could say anything more she was swept away by Mercedes and Kurt to open her presents. It was strange to have all of them at her party, because she had not seen the majority of them for a number of years. On the other hand, they were the best friends she had ever had and it didn't take long before they fell back into established behavioural patterns. Santana called her smallish, which was a step up from midget. Brittany mumbled something about her new cat who could read the newspaper, but whose politics were despicable. Puck wanted to say something 'from one hot Jew to another' and Sam quoted what Rachel thought was either a Star Trek or Star Wars film. It wasn't until four hours later, when many of the guests were pretty drunk, that she had another chance to speak to Finn.

December 19, 2024. Night.

After retrieving her bag from between the pile of coats she made her way over to Finn. When she sat down next to him on the couch she noticed that there was something distinctly different about him after all. The way he looked at her had changed. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what was different, but there was definitely something there that hadn't been there before.

'Nice party,' he said. She acquiesced.

'You brought your drum kit?' she asked and Finn nodded enthusiastically. He didn't seem to understand she was asking why he had brought it, since he hadn't played it during the happy birthday serenade, but it didn't matter anyway.

'Do you still have feelings for me?' she blurted out. It was not how she had planned it, but it was direct. Now she would know, and if he said he didn't she could just laugh it off. _No, of course, I have no feelings for you either. That was such a long time ago. We were kids. Did you think I've been pining for you? Ha, the idea!_ And so forth.

'I... Yes, I do,' Finn stammered and she felt relieved and a little bit more secure, but she needed to make absolutely sure.

'Do you love me?'

The whole line of questioning seemed to make him very uncomfortable. He was practically squirming. Rachel realised he was tugging at a piece of paper in his pocket and as he got it out he stood up. Freakishly tall as he was, he loomed over her. Nervously, he was unfolding and smoothing the paper on his jeans and it looked as if he was going to approach the drums.

'Actually, there's a song...' he started, but she interrupted him.

'Could you just tell me?' she pleaded and patted his spot on the couch. Reluctantly, he sat back down, folding the paper and stuffing it in his pocket again. Turning that earnest face that she knew so well towards her, he swallowed. Not a normal swallow; it was a huge swallow. The kind of swallowing you do before you break new that makes either yourself or the other person very nervous.

'I know this sounds stupid and corny, but it's true. Rachel, I've loved you since the moment we first sang together and I always will,' Finn said and he swallowed for the second time before asking, 'Do you love me?' Rachel was too busy digging in her bag to answer the question, so she motioned for him to wait a second. Ah, there it was. Triumphantly, she took the box out of her bag and sat down on one knee. The box opened with a quiet pop and displayed the ring.

'Finn Hudson, will you marry me?' she asked forcefully and suddenly the music was louder than ever. Mostly because everyone had stopped talking or moving and was staring at them. Rachel knew it was a ridiculous thing to worry about at that point in time, but she doubted the choice of ring. It was very plain. She had picked the first one she saw. Finn was a man; they didn't care about rings and she could always either return it or exchange it for a better one.

'Wow, Rachel! What has gotten into you?' Finn said and it was beyond cute how befuddled he was by the course the evening had taken. And he was looking a thousand kinds of hot in his jeans and fancy shirt, but could he answer the question? Her heart was pounding like crazy and she discovered that, along with apparently everyone else in the room, she was holding her breath. Realising he wasn't going to speak; she exhaled and quickly inhaled before explaining.

'Well, if no one ever marries me, or asks me to marry them, I simply have to take matters into my own hands, don't I? It's the 21st century and I can ask someone. I can marry someone. So, I got the ring and now I'm asking you. I love you, Finn. I love you so much. More than I have ever loved anyone. Will you marry me?'

In the meantime the music had been turned off and now the silence was deafening. 'This is just so romantic,' someone whispered and when she located the speaker she was surprised to discover it was Puck. He winked at her and she smiled before gazing at Finn again. A smile brightened his features and as he pulled her to her feet he answered.

'Yes. If you let me, I'll marry you.'

He looked at her and she could now see what was different. There was a new sense of purpose to his gaze that had not been there before. Finn's look was like an embrace. It said, 'I've got you, right here in my arms.' There were tears in his eyes as he leaned closer and it was sublimely sexy how he ever so slowly pressed his lips to hers. The music got turned on again and pretty soon people were congratulating them. People were also leaving, presumably because they knew Rachel and Finn wanted to be alone. As the last one left, Rachel closed the door.

'What did you mean by 'if you let me'?' she asked as she snuggled against him on the couch. A spontaneous laugh escaped him and she frowned. What was so funny?

'I've been thinking about proposing. I even found the perfect ring, but it costs 35,000.'

'35,000 dollars? Are you insane?' Rachel protested, but at the same time she felt flattered. She was worth a 35,000 dollar ring. Softly, Finn caressed the palm of her hand with his finger tips. The sensation was amazing. She could feel every neuron in her body firing at top speed. It was almost too good.

'But I didn't have the money for the ring yet and I wasn't sure whether you felt the same way, so I had a song...'

'You had a plan. Is that why you brought the drum kit? You were going to sing it tonight?' Rachel asked and Finn nodded. His face was turning red and she regarded him curiously. Was he embarrassed?

'Well, I was just going to sing _The Secret Marriage_ by Sting and look meaningfully at you. That's as far as I got. I hadn't really planned it out,' Finn admitted and as if to say he would make it up to her his hand slipped under her top and in long, slow strokes he raked his finger nails across her back. It was barely a touch, yet she could feel it reverberate throughout her entire body. This was different too. At school they had both been so inexperienced and nervous and clumsy, that the few times they had sex there had been very little foreplay. And the foreplay that was there wasn't good.

'I had thought about singing too, but I decided against it. _Sadie Sadie_ from _Funny Girl_ it would have been, I think,' she whispered. 'Barbra,' he mumbled in response and was it wrong that this turned her on? His warm hands were still on her back as she pushed him into a lying position. Her hair brushed his face and he laughed. It was a light, fun sound and she had missed it. Their lips met and this time they started out gently, but ended rough. Rachel's lips were swollen when they parted and for the first time in a really really long time she could feel desire coursing through her. Her heart was pumping it through her veins like blood and it magnified every touch and every kiss. She wanted to moan unashamedly and scratch as his skin.

Nonetheless, whatever wicked things she was going to do him tonight and let him do to her, she wanted a lot more from him. She wanted to hear him pee in the middle of the night, feel the mattress move beneath her as he got back in bed, wake up with his head on the pillow beside her, see him brush his teeth, smell his cologne as he dashed it on liberally and taste the bagel he had eaten for breakfast. She thought she would never tire of kissing him and touching him and having him be just...there. The logistics were insignificant. Where they would live and what they would do? They would figure them out.

This time they were going to make it work, no matter what. Love; perhaps it wasn't so difficult and painful after all.

The end.


End file.
